Monday, 14 June 2010

... and after that [originally posted 14 Jun 2010]

Only when I've actually put the light off do I remember the other thing I wanted to write about.
I'm still getting panic attacks. Not as hard and not as often as before, but they're still there.

My hangover from last night just wouldn't shift, today. And as usually happens with this situation, I felt the familiar heavy heart beats and tension inside that goes with my body's reaction. I managed to get to the pub for last orders after discovering that there was no beer left in our fridge. A pint of cider later followed by a walk home through the ran and I was pretty much fixed again.

I met someone recently who started getting them for almost the same reason, except it was some kind of speed in his case, rather than acid in mine. He was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and takes valium with him most places. Scary.


Tuesday, 1 June 2010

the apology [originally posted 01 Jun 2010]

As you may have noticed, I stopped writing my blog when I was half way through my trip to Japan. I think it was mostly because I felt that I didn't need to write it any more. It was already some days behind where I was up to, and I realised that my original reason for writing it - to stay sane in a very foreign land, had become moot. That trip was the happiest I have been for years and years. And once I realised that this was the case, I suddenly felt that these things were my memories, not to be shared so easily. Now, I look back on this and think that it was a bit selfish. I still have my notes from each day and so I will write them up, as an aid to my memory at the very least. There are plenty of pictures still to come - you may well have seen them if you have visited my flickr page. Sorry to anyone who was looking forward to the next blog entries about Japan, they'll come, but please understand that I changed how I felt about the process.

Edit: My internal monologue had also been shocked into silence by being in such a strange place. That was awesome.

Ok, so that out of the way. On to other things.

I've rejoined a dating site. I'm not sure at this moment how much of a good idea that is. I guess I should follow some good examples and write about the dates (if and when they happen), especially if they prove disastrous. That said, I have been meeting some really nice girls lately, all via the bunch of mates I've gathered in Chorlton. Slightly concerned that they're generally about 8-10 years younger than me but that all kind of fits in with me being in my fifth or sixth childhood.

I'm still playing Eve, and still trying to get that elusive first killmail... Well, a killmail where I'm not the victim!

I'm thinking of taking up my mum's offer of getting me some more driving lessons for my birthday, and actually get my licence sorted out. This would rock. I find that I'm missing the whole driving thing, which is just as unexpected as finding that I enjoy driving in the first place!

I'm probably going to move back to London. The trip to Japan pretty much killed all my savings and I want to go back there, probably for longer. The only conceivable way I can do this is to start doing contracting, and the best place for contracting is in London. We'll see how this works out. Whatever happens, I'm desperate to change what I'm doing.

Things feel stuck at the minute. Please bear with me if I'm a pain in the arse until the situation gets better.

Maybe now I can get some sleep since I've written some of this down.

Night night all